And so she stood there in front of me, her eyes enquiring, her body ready to react to my answer. Her stance that of a protective sister wanting the best for her brother.

‘So tell me Deedee, do you love my brother or are you only with him for his money’?

I stood still for a moment, my mind whizzing with answers, all of which jumbled into a mess of incomprehensible thoughts.

I closed my eyes and pictured him, his presence instantly calming my storm. I took a deep breath, composed myself and spoke the only way I could that wouldn’t leave me in an bumbling cloud of anxiousness….from my heart.

‘Please allow me to speak before you react, you may not like what I say. But I need you to really hear my words.

When I first met your brother, I was not instantly drawn to him, he did not interest me. I didn’t want to spend more time with him nor did I still hear his voice when when I closed my eyes at night.

Lots of time has now passed since that day. I can say that he does not make me smile, he does not warm my heart and touch my soul with his words and actions.

I do not look at him and see him for who he truly is, I don’t see the love he freely gives to people, I don’t see the respect he has for me and others, the loyalty he holds close or the caring nature which makes him so beautiful to me. I don’t see how unique he is and I don’t believe that the powers that be made someone so special, so perfect just for me.

I do not look at him in admiration, I do not take in everything he says and savour every moment that he chooses to spend with me. I couldn’t spend hours listening to him speak, learning from him, supporting him… being there for him.

I don’t want to be there for him when we share the good times, I don’t want to pick him up in the sad times and I don’t want to spend every moment of my life making new memories with him.

I don’t long to hear him laugh, he has no effect of me when he smiles and I don’t look at him and think ‘wow, you’re absolutely gorgeous, how can I be so lucky that you’re mine’.

He doesn’t make me laugh so hard that I feel I’m going to pass out. He does not truly listen to every word I say and be there to support me no matter what he has going on in his world.

He doesn’t make my heart skip a beat when my name passes from his lips nor does my body react when he is near. My legs don’t turn to jelly from his touch or my eyes sparkle when I am lucky enough to gaze upon him.

I don’t think about him whilst he is at work, I don’t pray that he is safe just so that I can see him at the end of the day, so I can hold him in my arms, so I can feel the warmth of his lips on mine. I don’t spend time looking at my phone in the hope that when he gets a spare moment I will see his name flash on my screen. When I’m away from my phone my mind doesn’t play tricks on me, making me hear his ringtone so that I go running to find it…. My heart doesn’t drop when I realise that it was all in my head.

I don’t worship the ground he walks on, I don’t see him as my protector, my world or the missing puzzle piece which I have been searching for all my life. He doesn’t make me feel complete, like my soul has finally found fulfilment and light in what has been empty and dark for so long.

I don’t close my eyes and picture us growing old together, I don’t wish that one day fate will allow me to watch as he gets down on one knee and asks me to be his for the rest of our lives. I don’t pray that one day I will feel my heart swell when I see him hold our child for the first time.

When I open my eyes in a morning, I do not take a moment to look at him and thank the universe for bringing him into my life. I don’t look at you and want to hold you close and thank you for keeping him safe, for being his confidant and for being an amazing big sister to him. I do not look upon your mum and want to thank her for carrying him for nine months, for going through the worst pain a woman has to endure just so that I could spend my time loving him. I do not wish that I could thank every friend he has ever had or has for being there for him when he has needed them, for keeping him strong until I could be there to share my strength with him.

So to answer your question, yes. I am with your brother for his money, that’s all I see in this relationship, that’s all I want from him. I have no feelings towards him nor am I madly, deeply , passionately and truly in love with him.

Take from this conversation what you like but know that if you have truly heard me then you will never need to ask me that question again. And if at anytime there is any doubt just take a moment to see the way I look at him, to feel the emotion that radiates from when when I speak or him or when he is close by.’

I watch as she takes in the information, I can see her processing my words and I’m relieved to watch as her eyes fill with tears, each one dropping to her cheeks as my words touch her heart.

I love my children, they are my world and I love them with all that I am. But your brother, he has made us his world, he loves us with all that he is and more. He saved me, be brought me to life and has taught me that true love does exist. He unlocked a part of me which is so in love with him, which lusts constantly for him, which wants to spend every precious moment with him. He is my king, my best friend, my lover, my mate… he is my everything and I will do anything to make him feel as much love as he does for me.


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